Just letting go is the hardest thing to do. No one
wants to cling on to something that has been a burden for what seems like ages,
but why is difficult to throw whatever it is as far away as possible. For me, I
have the biggest pride issue. I want to be right, I want every one to like me,
I, I, I… I do everything to seek acceptance or more or less, attention from
others. There I said it. I am not a humble person. From the playground in
kindergarten to the coffee shop on the college campus, I have tried so hard to
feel part of the team. Most of the time I have done a pretty good job of
blending in with the crowd or being the star player, but other times, I have
alienated myself because I unintentionally have this deep fear of rejection or
even worse, failure. As I sit here, the tears pour down my cheek. For my entire
22 years of life, I have found something that I have excelled at. Whatever it was, I thrived. I am
not saying this to be proud or arrogant (although I do admit, I can be a little
prideful at times). I am saying it because it was the truth. However, this past year has
really put me to the test. The things that I once excelled at has became my
nemeses, and lately, I have just felt defeated. Things I thought would never
happen to me, happened. I went from being this bubbly, goofy twenty-something
to being this timid, worried girl. I came to the crossroads multiple times
where I had to decide what my reaction was going to be. Was I going to keep
chugging along or was I going to let the hard things slow me down? People told
me that “it is just a period of your life and it will go away” or that “trust
in God and He will get you through this.” No
matter what advice or encouragement I was given, The only word that I focused
on was Defeat. For a period of time, I held on with my own power. I was holding
on by adrenaline or just to prove to people that I could do it. Physically,
spiritually, emotionally, financially, I was broken. I was allowing my own
worry and negativity to consume me. I am not the person that takes no easily so
despite my own brokenness; I continued to ignore the crossroads I was faced
with. But the reality is, I am not strong enough on my own to hold on. I allow
my own words to destroy me and that is causing the most damage of all. I lacked confidence in myself,
my family and friends, and most importantly, God. I can vividly remember attending
a chapel service one Friday morning at the Macha Nursing School in Zambia,
Africa last fall. The pastor spoke on Trusting God despite the adversity we
face. You see during this
time, the Zambian president had passed away and he addressed the group of
nursing students asking them if they could trust God in the midst of this
mourning period and time of unknown for the country. They did not know what could
happen next in their government and I could feel the tension in the room as the
students began responding out loud to the pastor's message. Not only was the
sermon applicable for the Zambian students, but the message impacted me so much
that I reread the notes on a weekly basis. This
pastor kept emphasizing the importance of trusting God amongst the hard times,
amongst the confusion and chaos, and amongst pain and suffering. He used the
story of Job to illustrate this. Growing up in the church and attending IWU, I
probably heard this story hundreds of times, and I could probably even recite
it now. However, the way this pastor explained the story of Job just clicked in
my brain, and I could see what true faith and trust in the Lord really is. I remember towards the end of the
sermon he shouted out the questions can you trust God when your patients are
dying in the hospital, or when you fail an exam or assignment? When you have no
money? Or even when you see the neighbor next to you with a girl friend/boyfriend
and you don’t have one yet? Here I was oceans and continents away being asked
questions that I am faced with on a day to basis at home. It caused me to
realized that I cannot do anything without trusting God. I am not saying it is
an easy thing and does my prideful self allow myself to all of the time? No,
but it is the source of strength that I don't have. Sadly, I lost focus by the
words I chose to tell myself. Defeat is nothing I can't handle with the
strength of the ALMIGHTY. Job despite everything he lost trusted in God. He
had lost all of his earthly possessions and to the world, he was defeated. I am
so grateful I can do the same as Job by trusting God with everything despite the crossroads I am
faced with. Please be praying for me as I continue battling Satan's efforts to
cause me to believe the words such as "defeat" or
"failure". Pray that I trust in God wholeheartedly. He loves me and
He has died for me. That is truly all that I need. Until next time friends!
Love and blessings to all,
L
:)
