Just take care of yourself.
Stop worrying what everyone thinks. You worry way too much. You have a lot to be grateful for. You know
those words that I so easily dish out to people, in fact probably way too much.
Yet, when directed towards me, I so unwillingly listen to and take into
consideration. In fact, I become frustrated and even sometimes mad if people
say them to me. I don’t know if it is a pride issue or a stubbornness issue. As
a nurse, I believe it is my natural instinct to think/care about others and to
believe I can fix-it all. I don’t know
if that applies to every nurse, but I spend day in and out literally caring and
considering every aspect of an individual’s life whether for people at work or
for people at home. I joke that my job encompasses my different titles that
make me act the way I do: the mother, the teacher, the nanny, the waitress, the
social worker, the janitor, the peacemaker, the lifesaver, etc. The list can go
on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and wouldn’t change the experience
I am gaining. The people I work with and the patient’s I care for make it
totally worth all the stress. Over the last three years (1 year as a actual
RN), I have grown to love the ICU and the complexity of the job. I love being
able to solve so many problems and multi-task on a 100 things at once. I love
being able to see the smile on a patient’s face when I can give them ice cream
for the first time after not eating for a week or seeing a patient take their
first breath after being taken off of a breathing machine. I find joy in being
able to give pain relief to that trauma patient who wasn’t expecting to be
involved in a car wreck or to give a shoulder to cry on to a grieving family
member who just watched their love one pass away. However, over the last couple
of months, sadly, I have realized that I am not invincible and that I need to
take care of myself and treat myself the same as I do everyone else… although I
try 100% to be; I am not Superman (as much as I allude to Charlie Puth’s One
Call Away). I try to juggle the demands of my first big girl job with the
balancing act of learning how to be an adult and somewhat maintaining a social life
with a family and friends. I come home defeated and burnt out because I saw
something horrific at work or someone wasn’t satisfied with the care I was
giving. I become frustrated because I
have to schedule every aspect of my life because working night shift means
working on some of the weekends, on the holidays, and on the nights when I
really just want to go out with friends or travel to see my younger brother out
of state. I become angry because my friends and family don’t understand that
although I only work three days each week, that I am emotionally and physically
drained the other four days and that even though some nights are mundane and
slow paced, others are so crazy that I just want to walk out and quit. I gain
hatred for the fact that I have to split my time, energy, and compassion
between the innocent cancer patient and the patient that comes in and out of
the hospital because they have once again abused multiple drugs and/or alcohol.
I constantly wake up in the middle of night/day hearing hospital alarms or
freaking out that I omitted a medication or gave the wrong medication to a
patient. I have let every little anxiety control me to the point that I have
lost all focus, which has seriously affected every aspect of my physical,
spiritual, and emotional health and well being. I have not only lost focus of
why I am doing what I am doing but also who I am. I am tired. Not just the type
that a good night’s rest will cover. I have hit a brick wall, both literally
and figuratively. Yah, don’t laugh but I ran into a brick wall the other day
because I didn’t see it. Yes, comedic relief is a legitimate thing and the main
reason why I hang out with certain people but that is beside the point I am
trying to make. I have become a bitter, cynical, jealous and sometimes cranky
23- year old and certain people can attest to that. The last couple of months I
haven’t felt like my normal self. I have
lost focus that I am a child of the living God, who is passionate, caring, and
full of this energy to love life and live it to the fullest. I have lost focus
that I am talented in what I do and the fact that I always strive for success
in whatever obstacle/goal that I face. I have lost focus that it is okay to
make mistakes and that I am not a failure just because something didn’t turn
out for the best or how I expected it to. I have lost focus of the beauty of
the world and instead focused on the evil, the deep pain, sickness, and sadness
I see everyday at work. I am tired of it. And some change is happening right
now. Tonight I pledge to take more care of myself. I pledge to eat healthier,
drink more water, and to prioritize sleep. I pledge to value the beauty in what is around
me and to listen to those statements of advice that were mentioned earlier. I
am loved by the living God, what is greater than that?! He is Bigger than
anything I desire or imagine. I may not understand everything that is going on
and it is okay to be upset. But I know that it is not okay to stew in this
state of confusion. From now on, I am
resting in his presence and trusting in Him. I may fall down every once and
awhile, but I am looking forward to this weight being lifted off of my
shoulders. God is good all the time.
“Your praise will ever be on my lips.”
“There is no place that I rather be than here in your love”
Thanks friends for reading. You are loved,
L
