One of my biggest
weaknesses in life is my self-confidence. I am constantly worried about what
everyone else thinks of me. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Satan
attacks me by telling me I am not good enough or that I have to work extremely
hard to obtain approval from others. This bad habit started in around the eighth
grade and has followed me throughout college. Although it is not the extent of
what it was when I was thirteen, I have to be honest I still occasionally struggle
with it. Who doesn’t every once and a while? I have to constantly work to tell
myself to find my identity in Christ rather than in what others think, but it
is not as easy as it sounds when you mindset has been that way for a while and
pressure from society and my Christian college environment is ever so evident.
I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin until I was accepted for the
most amazing study abroad experience ever. As I was preparing for the trip, I spent
so much more time worrying about the other 15 girls on the trip then I would by
praying and considering the actual work and ministry I was doing here in
Africa. I was worried that they wouldn’t like me or that I was so different
from them that I would not relate to them. I remember telling my mom that I was
literally the “biggest girl” on the trip and that they were all supermodels.
The stupidest thoughts flooded my mind until one encounter in the Zambian
market. I was mesmerized by the culture and I was so excited to get my hands on
some African textiles. I was getting measured for an African dress and then the
comment came… You are a huge one. I was caught of guard. I have never though I
was huge, maybe slightly over average weight. I knew I wasn’t always the
skinniest, but I never considered myself huge. None of the other girls that I
was with had that comment spoken to them. Let me tell you that comment was so
discouraging. I almost wanted to leave right there and not finish my order. A
few days later a little kid near our compound grabbed my attention and yelled
at me saying I was fat. I was broken and those negative thoughts continue to
pile up. The girls in my group told me to not let it bother me, and they
continue to say that I was fine. They were so encouraging. Except I wouldn’t
listen at all. Pictures on my camera and the mirrors in my room were enemies.
Precious images of memories on the trip were a nuisance to look at. I was
stubborn and the devil continued to attack me. It wasn’t until one of my
professors explained to me the cultural context behind the comments that were
directed to me. Here in Africa, it is considered a compliment to be called
“fat”. It means that you are healthy and not dying. It is extremely attractive
and beautiful to them. The people are envious of the quality of life that we
have because we do not have to struggle day to day to provide sufficient food.
The amount of Zambian people living in extreme poverty or those that have the
terrible disease of HIV/AIDs is overwhelming. These conditions cause them to
appear sickly or to the point that their body is eating them away. I began to
feel guilty and ashamed that I could let something so trivial as those
comments. Lord has worked on me so much during the trip to learn to accept my
beauty in Christ and to live in the moment, not always worrying about the
approval from others. Please continue to pray for me as I learn to conquer my
weaknesses and that I can deny Satan any hold on my mind and heart. It is a growing process, but I am so blessed
that I am able to defeat Satan. Also, I am so blessed by the encouragement of
the amazing group of girls on this trip. I have made so many incredible friends
here. More to come about them on my next blog post! Stay tune
Here are some
encouraging verses that I can look to for comfort:
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will
say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at
hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the
peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and
your minds in Christ Jesus.
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for
you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the
more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Psalm 139:13-14
You are the one who put me together
inside my mother’s body, and I praise you because of the wonderful way you
created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with
you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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