Why I am saying See You Later to Social Media…

            As I sit here in my apartment with a broken AC and bright red circles around my eyes from crying on the phone with my friend for the past hour and half, I look like a hot mess (no pun intended J). All this excitement of what was suppose to be a chill night has caused me to realized that I have been too consumed by validation from all the wrong venues: people, what they say about me, and whether or not they like me. I know I have always struggled with this, but as I head more into “adult world” I was convinced I would not have to deal with it anymore. Wrong. It seems to come in so many different forms that I cannot seem to master or understand. One of the biggest hindrances is social media. I have said it since the 9^th grade; social media is the biggest time waster and self-confidence destroyer. Now I am not going to go and say there are not perks of having social media: staying connected, enjoying countless/mindless information sharing, and indulging by living vicariously through the photos of others. I like the rest of the world enjoy the mindless aspect of it. However, I am talking about how being consumed by it so much that it is becoming a habit/addiction. I detest it. I sit down for a brief second at work or at home, I pull up Instagram and scroll through the pictures, wishing I was vacationing in that warm tropical destination, walking down an isle in a fancy wedding gown to a man who looks with joy at his bride, or looking as beautiful, breathtaking as some of the modeltastic girls that post pictures of themselves with their all their designer clothes and makeup.  If it isn’t Instagram, it is opening up my Facebook/twitter/snapchap first thing in the morning or at night to get the newest gossip or not even reading anything just the act of opening it up. It is used as a numbing escape tool after I have a stressful day at work or a time waster when I am bored with nothing to do. I am taking a break from social media as I focus more of my time in studying the word, saving money to put a down payment on my new home, spending times with friends and family, and working on being healthier and my new interest of learning how to cook. I am not unrealistic in my efforts in taking a break from social media therefore I have set parameters. I am deactivating ALL of my accounts and deleting ALL social media apps (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchap, Twitter) for at least two months. You may say, well that isn’t that long, I don’t know if you can do it, or you spent longer time abroad with hardly any Internet at all? Well, you are correct. Two months will give me enough time to start better habits. They say it really only takes 31 days to create a habit, and I am doing 60 just to make sure. There is nothing wrong with validation, loving being connected, or just having mindless activities to do. I am using this as a tool to help me focus and turn my desire towards Christ. I am thankful for two wise friends tonight. Thanks for speaking truth into my life. Whether it is through long awkward pauses in phone conversations listening to calling me out by telling me to keep it real, I thank you. Truth whether I wanted to hear it or not was just the fuel to the fire that I needed. So if you are reading this post on any form of social media, see you Oct. 15^th! Please be praying for discipline and perseverance as I will be working on something I have been struggling with for a long time.

Positivity Only… I am not letting myself get that bad again

Well, Happy Valentines Day – to some of you Happy Singles Awareness Day!  Today I started my new job in the ER. It was incredibly busy and overwhelming, but I honestly say it was a great day even with people puking and coughing all over me. I am going to learn a lot at this job, and I will definitely be challenged with every individual case that comes in the doors. Emergency Room nursing is a completely different world, and I could not be more excited for this. I feel so blessed. For the first time in months, I feel physically and mentally stable. Although I am completely exhausted, I can say with no doubt that I will be able to sleep through the entire night for the first time in a long time. Oh, how I have needed this. I can’t remember the last time I slept decently and that has definitely made everything worse.  My closest friends and family can attest to that. I become grouchy, emotional, and super uncomfortable to be around. I could sit here and tell you how hard the last couple months have been, how every muscle/bone in my body aches/hurts, how I had to make a decision that impacted my career which made a pay cut in my finances, how my heart was broken or how once again I am dateless on Valentine’s Day. BUT I am not going to. That would have been me last month; the girl who was so consumed with her own problems and completed disregarded taking care of herself or others who care about her. The anxiety that had controlled me to the point where I wanted to distance myself from everyone and everything is no longer acceptable nor warranted here. I was not happy which is strange because I am usually the happiest in the room. However, this experience hasn’t been all horrible. If anything, the last few months have been a period of growth and learning, and I am thankful for them.  I thankful that I now have a deeper appreciation and compassion for my patients because I, myself, hurt all the time and the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong. I can only imagine how each patient feels coming into the hospital with conditions much more severe and life threatening than what I am facing. I am thankful that I have an opportunity to work at an amazing hospital that is literally 2 minutes from my apartment doorstep. I am thankful that I could spending tonight being silly and enjoying the nice weather (for Feburary J) with other singles.  I didn’t have to worry about getting all dressed up or what I should buy as a representation of affection for my date. Yes, I do love the cheesiness of this holiday and I do strongly have the desire to one day have someone special to spend this day with, someone that can spoil me with chocolate and flowers, someone that truly cares about me, but I am not letting myself get caught up in complaining.  Because once I allow myself to get sucked in, I am going to end up right where I began. I look around and see too much negativity at work, at home, and in the world in general. It is so tiring and I never realized how annoying it is, and I don’t want to return to the same patterns that has been so damaging. For now, I am going to sit here all wrapped up in my heated blanket enjoying my cup of hot chocolate while blaring my country music.  Instead of constantly worrying or looking at the negative side of things, I am going to employ a new policy of positivity. The Lord is so good even amongst suffering, pain, and chaos. I told my roommate today, “I don’t know what has gotten into me today, but I could not be happier or more hyper.” Either one, I will take it! People love positive people. I know I always want to surround myself around people who are happy and who make me smile. I desire to be that kind person, that no matter what comes my way that I look on the brighter side and trust God. I want to be that person others want to be around because I make them smile and laugh (no matter how stupid/silly I have to be).

I WANT TO BE THE WOMAN WHO OVERCOMES OBSTACLES BY TACKLING THEM WITH FAITH  INSTEAD OF TIPTOEING AROUND THEM WITH FEAR...

Thanks for allowing me to share with you all some of the things that have been taking place over the last couple of weeks! God is good all of the time! 

Until next time… Hasta Luego

You are so deeply loved,

L

I AM STILL THAT BUBBLY GIRL WHO SINGS IN THE CAR...I AM JUST GAINING MY SONG BACK AGAIN

January 31, 2017

Well, as many of you know, I legitimately think today should be a holiday.  You laugh and roll your eyes, but if you know anything about me at all, then you know that I am obsessed with ALL birthdays, especially my own. For some reason, I think everyone should celebrate themselves and there is no better day than the day of your birth. Bring on all the cake, the ginormous balloons, and fancy gifts! It’s time for a party baby. As for this year, I have reached another year closer to a quarter of a century but somehow still look like a 15 year old girl (people keep saying it’s a good thing, but I have yet to see why). This year has been full of extreme highs and lows, especially these last couple months. In fact, these last six-seven weeks have been so utterly exhausting and emotional draining that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday at all. Ultimately, I was going to boycott it all together if there wasn't some convincing of my roommate and my family, I would be doing just that. But they kept saying that I would be denying myself of the enjoyment and pleasure of something I treasure so dearly. So I had to stop myself and accept defeat. I could not wallow in what I thought was miserable as it is not who I am nor is it who I want to be. I have never been the person to let someone bring me down or a circumstance control me as much as I have the last few months. I vow to make this birthday the  best. Not due to a fancy/big party, but due to inspiring to be a better Christian, nurse, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, and friend.

 You know that sinking feeling you get deep down where you know something is not right, the one that suffocates you and needs disappear, but no matter what happens or what you do, it doesn’t go away. Not only does this gnawing/burning anxiety sticks around, but it also permeates throughout the entire body. I can distinctly remember the first time I felt this. I was 12 years old. My dad was taking me to a sleepover at one of my classmate's house. I was so nervous that I wouldn't fit in and that the other girls wouldn't like me that I made my dad turn around and go home. I claimed I was "sick" but in fact, I was just so nervous that I didn't want to go and I physically made myself sick. The lump in my throat would not go away,and my stomach began to start to churn so much that I attributed it to being sick and within a hour or so, I was back to my normal self. This past year, I have had this feeling more times than I can count. Between work, friends stuff, moving,  a new job, and a sudden onset of a health condition, I haven't been able to get rid of this awful feeling and I have yet to return to my normal self. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of seeking attention, using my pain/sickness as an excuse, and wallowing in self-pity. I'm tired of losing focus of who I am. As I go into my birthday, I want to put away all the bad things that have happened over the course of a few months. I want to focus on the positive things and to accept each next challenge with grace instead of anxiety. It isn't easy, but I am ready and NEED a change now.

5 Take-aways at age 24:

1. Learn to respect myself more, take time for me (not just in a selfish way) and slow down. Now I am not a pro or anything, but I have the tendency to take the easy way out. However, I am starting to see the negative impact of not taking care of myself and overdoing it. As a nurse, I should know better. In general, this means you aren't going to get any better if you continue to ware yourself out. Eat appropriately, exercise, attend to your mental/spiritual health, and SLEEP (what the heck is that?!?). I will continue to figure out this new health condition and I will do whatever it takes to feel normal.

2. Trust in the Big man upstairs. I seriously don't know what is in store. If you told me a
year ago that  I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have just laughed. Don't doubt his plans for you and don't place blame when something is extremely difficult or doesn't go your way at all. Do not worry if you haven't fulfilled your five year plan or if things with "Mr. right" hasn't worked out, or you feel like you aren't living at your fullest capacity. Take a breath, relax, and open the Word. I have to be reminded that I am a loved child of the living King and that I can have a relationship WITH Him. He is in control even when I am confused and think everything is in chaos.

3. Not everyone has to be your best buddy (be kind, be generous, be loving
but you have no obligation to have to be liked by everyone even though my people-pleasing personality thrives on it and tells me otherwise). We are all different and it is okay if you aren't always invited to the coolest party,Lauren. I have been so wrapped up in certain people that I failed to see what was actually real versus some false reality that I played in my head. I let my closest friends and family down as I idolized individuals that hurt me and really didn’t care. I wore my deep feelings on my sleeves and my heart was broke as a result. Don't worry as there can be restitution and forgiveness in these situations,but there also can be a sense of boundaries and a healthy guardedness. I learned to not get so distraught/caught up because a friend did something to upset me or a certain relationship wasn't what I thought,expected ,and/or wanted it to be.

4. Work hard. I have always been a hard worker and 100% goal oriented. I have been blessed with many opportunities to serve with my talents and be challenge in ways I could not even imagine. Never be prideful and conceited, but do what you love and what you are good at. Strive to be the best and learn from your mistakes.

5. Play hard. Life is too short to let the hard things prevent you from doing things that you love. Travel, Jump out of that airplane, Shop-till- you drop, Ride all the rollercoasters, drink your coffee/eat your dark chocolate daily, never apologize for being yourself and for laughing so hard that you almost stop breathing. Don't let anxiety, pain, or constrains of everyday life to let you break loose and be adventurous.

The passage I have focused on recently is Luke 7/Mark 14. These passages tell the story of the woman anointing Jesus' feet and how she knew he was import and so special that she gave the most precious thing she had to anoint his feet. When I think of Christ, His cross, and all that he has done for me, I just cringe at the fact that I have been so naïve and selfish. I have conformed into the patterns of this world by letting greed, bitterness, malice, and self-destruction consume me. Instead, I should have been clinging to him and wanting to give him the most precious thing that I have, my life. I want to fall in love with Christ more each and everyday. I want to adore Him and that with all of my life I can be like the perfume anointed at His feet.

Please be praying for clarity and healing over the next couple months. I start my next journey in my career as a nurse in 3 weeks and will be fighting everyday to figure out/ beat this new illness.

You are incredibly loved,
L

"In the eye of the storm you remain in control, In the middle of the war, you guard my soul. Your love surrounds me."