I AM STILL THAT BUBBLY GIRL WHO SINGS IN THE CAR...I AM JUST GAINING MY SONG BACK AGAIN

January 31, 2017

Well, as many of you know, I legitimately think today should be a holiday.  You laugh and roll your eyes, but if you know anything about me at all, then you know that I am obsessed with ALL birthdays, especially my own. For some reason, I think everyone should celebrate themselves and there is no better day than the day of your birth. Bring on all the cake, the ginormous balloons, and fancy gifts! It’s time for a party baby. As for this year, I have reached another year closer to a quarter of a century but somehow still look like a 15 year old girl (people keep saying it’s a good thing, but I have yet to see why). This year has been full of extreme highs and lows, especially these last couple months. In fact, these last six-seven weeks have been so utterly exhausting and emotional draining that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday at all. Ultimately, I was going to boycott it all together if there wasn't some convincing of my roommate and my family, I would be doing just that. But they kept saying that I would be denying myself of the enjoyment and pleasure of something I treasure so dearly. So I had to stop myself and accept defeat. I could not wallow in what I thought was miserable as it is not who I am nor is it who I want to be. I have never been the person to let someone bring me down or a circumstance control me as much as I have the last few months. I vow to make this birthday the  best. Not due to a fancy/big party, but due to inspiring to be a better Christian, nurse, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, and friend.

 You know that sinking feeling you get deep down where you know something is not right, the one that suffocates you and needs disappear, but no matter what happens or what you do, it doesn’t go away. Not only does this gnawing/burning anxiety sticks around, but it also permeates throughout the entire body. I can distinctly remember the first time I felt this. I was 12 years old. My dad was taking me to a sleepover at one of my classmate's house. I was so nervous that I wouldn't fit in and that the other girls wouldn't like me that I made my dad turn around and go home. I claimed I was "sick" but in fact, I was just so nervous that I didn't want to go and I physically made myself sick. The lump in my throat would not go away,and my stomach began to start to churn so much that I attributed it to being sick and within a hour or so, I was back to my normal self. This past year, I have had this feeling more times than I can count. Between work, friends stuff, moving,  a new job, and a sudden onset of a health condition, I haven't been able to get rid of this awful feeling and I have yet to return to my normal self. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of seeking attention, using my pain/sickness as an excuse, and wallowing in self-pity. I'm tired of losing focus of who I am. As I go into my birthday, I want to put away all the bad things that have happened over the course of a few months. I want to focus on the positive things and to accept each next challenge with grace instead of anxiety. It isn't easy, but I am ready and NEED a change now.

5 Take-aways at age 24:

1. Learn to respect myself more, take time for me (not just in a selfish way) and slow down. Now I am not a pro or anything, but I have the tendency to take the easy way out. However, I am starting to see the negative impact of not taking care of myself and overdoing it. As a nurse, I should know better. In general, this means you aren't going to get any better if you continue to ware yourself out. Eat appropriately, exercise, attend to your mental/spiritual health, and SLEEP (what the heck is that?!?). I will continue to figure out this new health condition and I will do whatever it takes to feel normal.

2. Trust in the Big man upstairs. I seriously don't know what is in store. If you told me a
year ago that  I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have just laughed. Don't doubt his plans for you and don't place blame when something is extremely difficult or doesn't go your way at all. Do not worry if you haven't fulfilled your five year plan or if things with "Mr. right" hasn't worked out, or you feel like you aren't living at your fullest capacity. Take a breath, relax, and open the Word. I have to be reminded that I am a loved child of the living King and that I can have a relationship WITH Him. He is in control even when I am confused and think everything is in chaos.

3. Not everyone has to be your best buddy (be kind, be generous, be loving
but you have no obligation to have to be liked by everyone even though my people-pleasing personality thrives on it and tells me otherwise). We are all different and it is okay if you aren't always invited to the coolest party,Lauren. I have been so wrapped up in certain people that I failed to see what was actually real versus some false reality that I played in my head. I let my closest friends and family down as I idolized individuals that hurt me and really didn’t care. I wore my deep feelings on my sleeves and my heart was broke as a result. Don't worry as there can be restitution and forgiveness in these situations,but there also can be a sense of boundaries and a healthy guardedness. I learned to not get so distraught/caught up because a friend did something to upset me or a certain relationship wasn't what I thought,expected ,and/or wanted it to be.

4. Work hard. I have always been a hard worker and 100% goal oriented. I have been blessed with many opportunities to serve with my talents and be challenge in ways I could not even imagine. Never be prideful and conceited, but do what you love and what you are good at. Strive to be the best and learn from your mistakes.

5. Play hard. Life is too short to let the hard things prevent you from doing things that you love. Travel, Jump out of that airplane, Shop-till- you drop, Ride all the rollercoasters, drink your coffee/eat your dark chocolate daily, never apologize for being yourself and for laughing so hard that you almost stop breathing. Don't let anxiety, pain, or constrains of everyday life to let you break loose and be adventurous.

The passage I have focused on recently is Luke 7/Mark 14. These passages tell the story of the woman anointing Jesus' feet and how she knew he was import and so special that she gave the most precious thing she had to anoint his feet. When I think of Christ, His cross, and all that he has done for me, I just cringe at the fact that I have been so naïve and selfish. I have conformed into the patterns of this world by letting greed, bitterness, malice, and self-destruction consume me. Instead, I should have been clinging to him and wanting to give him the most precious thing that I have, my life. I want to fall in love with Christ more each and everyday. I want to adore Him and that with all of my life I can be like the perfume anointed at His feet.

Please be praying for clarity and healing over the next couple months. I start my next journey in my career as a nurse in 3 weeks and will be fighting everyday to figure out/ beat this new illness.

You are incredibly loved,
L

"In the eye of the storm you remain in control, In the middle of the war, you guard my soul. Your love surrounds me."