If anything, I consistently learn that the best time to process life is when you no longer fight the urge to prevent others from speaking truth into your life and when you actually listen to what they have to say. I don't mean the times where you say, yah, that's a good idea. I mean the moments when someone says something that stings and helps you realize that you do not want to see the beauty in all. That right there, my friend, is what lead up to this post.
You see, in full transparency, as I approach 30 in the next coming years, I feel stuck. Working full-time while going to school during a global pandemic definitely makes me question the purpose behind it all. I look around at the chaos in healthcare and the burden of those suffering. I feel hopeless. I ask," Why am I doing what I am doing? Is there a purpose behind all of this? Why do I try so hard for it to be all in vain" Yet, I know deep down these statements are untrue and that I have what it takes to make a difference in this world, especially with those who are hurting.
I add to this enormous stress by looking at my friends and family and comparing my life with what I thought I should have by the age of almost 30. The family, the kids, the stability: something that this wandering spirit has always wanted. You know the white picket fence reality (minus the dog). The thoughts and desires, which are all good, begin to cloud my judgment and what I know to be true about my worth, my vocational calling, and God's ultimate plan and desires for my life.
How do I respond when life doesn't match up or play out precisely to what I designed? It is a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone that strives to control every detail. Yet, the response depicts where your heart truly is and what you set your eyes upon. And lately, my answer to that question has been poor, something someone had to keep me accountable to...
Yet, the Lord has compassion on us, even when we (myself included)don't have hunger and thirst for Him...when we doubt His sovereignty...when we doubt His love. The Lord has compassion on us amongst the weary traveling and wandering in life. He provides for us and consistently works in and through us, even when we lose track of the hope in our dependence on Him. At times, it takes the influence and support of others to help you grow spiritually and in all aspects of life. That is what I needed tonight: Someone who reminded me to rely on Christ and not have this single, self-reliant mindset. They dare to step into your life, point you to Christ, and call out untruths when necessary. They sharpen, give a different perspective, and celebrate the work of Christ. For that, I am eternally grateful.
When I need to refocus, I need something or someone to remind me ofGod'ss goodness when it starts to get a little foggy. Today it was a song and one comment from a good friend. The direction of my life and the effort I am putting forth are not at all in vain. And I am okay to feel stuck, but I must step back and look at the positive because God is still good despite everything.
Culture, tradition, language, and people are all concepts that intrigue me. As a little girl in the third grade, these interests all started when I sat in church and listened to missionaries speak about where they worked, lived, and served in the medical field. From that day, I knew I had a desire to go out into the world and help others just as they did. I wanted to learn, experience, and love BIG. That is precisely what I sought out to do and continue to desire. It's always an "I'll pack my bag and grab my plan ticket" mentality. Yet, there is no current destination at this point in my life. And I am learning to be okay with the delayed flight or current layover. I never thought that my mission field could be staying instead of going while waiting for the next destination. I still have this opportunity to learn, experience, and love BIG in all aspects of life, even when the stress and untruth fog the lenses. And what an opportunity it is to do that in a world that suffers from intense heartbreak.
When I was young, nurses made things better. They helped me when I suffered from terrible Asthma and felt like I could not take another breath. They spent countless days comforting my brother when the doctors gave him little to no chance of survival from AML Leukemia. They gave my parents physical hugs and emotional reassurance, even though their eyes told a story that they were just as worried about his prognosis. They held my grandfather's hand while he passed with such grace and comfort. They had power behind their role in providing care. Their words, actions, and outlook on each situation made it" better" in a sense whether the ailments were resolved or not. From those encounters, I clung to the hope that one day I could make a difference in someone's life just as the many in my life before me. I do not remember all their names or faces, but I remember what they did and how they made me or my loved ones feel.
Going forward. I know I can help by sharing the joy and hope of Christ in every encounter, whether at home or within the workplace. It is a learned behavior that can give such comfort. Joy comes even as tears fall. There is beauty in it all. May this joy illuminate through my interactions with my hurting patients and their families, exhausted and frustrated coworkers, or just those who bring discouragement.
God is always good.
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