Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me…Well, Maybe

Just letting go is the hardest thing to do. No one wants to cling on to something that has been a burden for what seems like ages, but why is difficult to throw whatever it is as far away as possible. For me, I have the biggest pride issue. I want to be right, I want every one to like me, I, I, I… I do everything to seek acceptance or more or less, attention from others. There I said it. I am not a humble person. From the playground in kindergarten to the coffee shop on the college campus, I have tried so hard to feel part of the team. Most of the time I have done a pretty good job of blending in with the crowd or being the star player, but other times, I have alienated myself because I unintentionally have this deep fear of rejection or even worse, failure. As I sit here, the tears pour down my cheek. For my entire 22 years of life, I have found something that I have excelled at.  Whatever it was, I thrived. I am not saying this to be proud or arrogant (although I do admit, I can be a little prideful at times). I am saying it because it was the truth.  However, this past year has really put me to the test. The things that I once excelled at has became my nemeses, and lately, I have just felt defeated. Things I thought would never happen to me, happened. I went from being this bubbly, goofy twenty-something to being this timid, worried girl. I came to the crossroads multiple times where I had to decide what my reaction was going to be. Was I going to keep chugging along or was I going to let the hard things slow me down? People told me that “it is just a period of your life and it will go away” or that “trust in God and He will get you through this.”  No matter what advice or encouragement I was given, The only word that I focused on was Defeat. For a period of time, I held on with my own power. I was holding on by adrenaline or just to prove to people that I could do it. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, I was broken. I was allowing my own worry and negativity to consume me. I am not the person that takes no easily so despite my own brokenness; I continued to ignore the crossroads I was faced with. But the reality is, I am not strong enough on my own to hold on. I allow my own words to destroy me and that is causing the most damage of all.  I lacked confidence in myself, my family and friends, and most importantly, God.  I can vividly remember attending a chapel service one Friday morning at the Macha Nursing School in Zambia, Africa last fall. The pastor spoke on Trusting God despite the adversity we face.  You see during this time, the Zambian president had passed away and he addressed the group of nursing students asking them if they could trust God in the midst of this mourning period and time of unknown for the country. They did not know what could happen next in their government and I could feel the tension in the room as the students began responding out loud to the pastor's message. Not only was the sermon applicable for the Zambian students, but the message impacted me so much that I reread the notes on a weekly basis.  This pastor kept emphasizing the importance of trusting God amongst the hard times, amongst the confusion and chaos, and amongst pain and suffering. He used the story of Job to illustrate this. Growing up in the church and attending IWU, I probably heard this story hundreds of times, and I could probably even recite it now. However, the way this pastor explained the story of Job just clicked in my brain, and I could see what true faith and trust in the Lord really is.  I remember towards the end of the sermon he shouted out the questions can you trust God when your patients are dying in the hospital, or when you fail an exam or assignment? When you have no money? Or even when you see the neighbor next to you with a girl friend/boyfriend and you don’t have one yet? Here I was oceans and continents away being asked questions that I am faced with on a day to basis at home. It caused me to realized that I cannot do anything without trusting God. I am not saying it is an easy thing and does my prideful self allow myself to all of the time? No, but it is the source of strength that I don't have. Sadly, I lost focus by the words I chose to tell myself. Defeat is nothing I can't handle with the strength of the ALMIGHTY. Job despite everything he lost trusted in God. He had lost all of his earthly possessions and to the world, he was defeated. I am so grateful I can do the same as Job by trusting God with everything despite the crossroads I am faced with. Please be praying for me as I continue battling Satan's efforts to cause me to believe the words such as "defeat" or "failure". Pray that I trust in God wholeheartedly. He loves me and He has died for me. That is truly all that I need. Until next time friends! Love and blessings to all, 

L :)

Huge Blessing

One of my biggest weaknesses in life is my self-confidence. I am constantly worried about what everyone else thinks of me. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Satan attacks me by telling me I am not good enough or that I have to work extremely hard to obtain approval from others. This bad habit started in around the eighth grade and has followed me throughout college. Although it is not the extent of what it was when I was thirteen, I have to be honest I still occasionally struggle with it. Who doesn’t every once and a while? I have to constantly work to tell myself to find my identity in Christ rather than in what others think, but it is not as easy as it sounds when you mindset has been that way for a while and pressure from society and my Christian college environment is ever so evident. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin until I was accepted for the most amazing study abroad experience ever. As I was preparing for the trip, I spent so much more time worrying about the other 15 girls on the trip then I would by praying and considering the actual work and ministry I was doing here in Africa. I was worried that they wouldn’t like me or that I was so different from them that I would not relate to them. I remember telling my mom that I was literally the “biggest girl” on the trip and that they were all supermodels. The stupidest thoughts flooded my mind until one encounter in the Zambian market. I was mesmerized by the culture and I was so excited to get my hands on some African textiles. I was getting measured for an African dress and then the comment came… You are a huge one. I was caught of guard. I have never though I was huge, maybe slightly over average weight. I knew I wasn’t always the skinniest, but I never considered myself huge. None of the other girls that I was with had that comment spoken to them. Let me tell you that comment was so discouraging. I almost wanted to leave right there and not finish my order. A few days later a little kid near our compound grabbed my attention and yelled at me saying I was fat. I was broken and those negative thoughts continue to pile up. The girls in my group told me to not let it bother me, and they continue to say that I was fine. They were so encouraging. Except I wouldn’t listen at all. Pictures on my camera and the mirrors in my room were enemies. Precious images of memories on the trip were a nuisance to look at. I was stubborn and the devil continued to attack me. It wasn’t until one of my professors explained to me the cultural context behind the comments that were directed to me. Here in Africa, it is considered a compliment to be called “fat”. It means that you are healthy and not dying. It is extremely attractive and beautiful to them. The people are envious of the quality of life that we have because we do not have to struggle day to day to provide sufficient food. The amount of Zambian people living in extreme poverty or those that have the terrible disease of HIV/AIDs is overwhelming. These conditions cause them to appear sickly or to the point that their body is eating them away. I began to feel guilty and ashamed that I could let something so trivial as those comments. Lord has worked on me so much during the trip to learn to accept my beauty in Christ and to live in the moment, not always worrying about the approval from others. Please continue to pray for me as I learn to conquer my weaknesses and that I can deny Satan any hold on my mind and heart.  It is a growing process, but I am so blessed that I am able to defeat Satan. Also, I am so blessed by the encouragement of the amazing group of girls on this trip. I have made so many incredible friends here. More to come about them on my next blog post! Stay tune

Here are some encouraging verses that I can look to for comfort:

Philippians 4:4-7 ESV

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Psalm 139:13-14

 You are the one who put me together inside my mother’s body, and I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt

Isaiah 41:10 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Life in the present- God is in control

As I sit here at my desk with my pile of Kleenexes, cough drops, and everything I could possibly find on a college campus labeled Vitamin C, I just can’t even begin to describe my life at this current moment in time. Seriously, within the last 72 hours my life has literally been spinning 365 degrees and not stopping. I could point out all the negative aspects. I could pout. I could complain. I could even say that I am so sick that I feel like a zombie walking around, that I just really just want to go on a vacation, or the fact that I have a million things going on all at once. Although it is all somewhat true, I just can’t…  I can’t find it in me to be negative, stressed, or even just apathetic. This state, whatever it may be, is truly a blessing. For once throughout this entire semester, I am not studying for the next day’s exam, practicing a class presentation, or you know, doing that last minute editing for a paper (no I don’t procrastinate. Stop assuming J).  I have NOTHING, nada, zilch. I finally have the time to just sit, think, and fathom what has been going on in this crazy life of mine. As I begin to process, I want to share some important things with you first.  I want to start by saying; God is good all the time!  He has shown me through literally every aspect (both good and bad) of my life that He is present and that He is working in ways I can’t even imagine. He has shown me that even though I try to control the future and am constantly planning; he wants me to be still. He wants me to be with Him. He wants me to let everything go and trust that He is in control. (Psalm 46:10).

            I think it is just so easy to hop on board with the rest of the Western society and be so focused on controlling/planning the future. We loose sight of God and trusting in Him. Instead, we have this constant need to satisfy our want for more, or at least, we have that need to know what is going to happen next. It’s that sense of always pushing forward until we have gone to far, to a point where we have overworked ourselves or not met our own satisfaction. I do this so often. I have always been a future seeker. Planning, organizing, strategizing, until I got a good picture of how everything was going to be. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized how important it is to live in the presence. We so easily try to control what is going to happen next. We forget God. We forget that He is at work. I know it may be hard to process because of pain and suffering, but He is. His power is behind comprehension, and He is so good to us. Jer. 29:11, Matt. 6:34, and Isaiah 55:8-11. I am trying to focus on these verses and the fact that God is in control.

             I am living proof to say to you that He is control. Although I do not always know exactly what and how, but the one thing I do know, is that He always is. He is always in control, and He is always working. I can’t emphasize that enough. One aspect that God is working through me is for my passion for nursing and my passion for mission work. I have wanted to be involved in medical missions since the time I decided my life to becoming a nurse as a little girl. My church would put on a mission week every year where missionaries all over the world came and spoke. One year, as a third grader, I stood up on stage and told the congregation that I wanted to be a missionary and a nurse like one that had spoke. And still to this day I feel that calling on my heart and I dream of one day doing just that.  God has heard the prayers of my heart and the prayers of others! It is my pleasure to announce that I am going to be living out my dream as a missionary.  Graciously, I was chosen along with 15 other students to be a part of a semester abroad program with my nursing school here at Indiana Wesleyan University. Yes, that is right. Semester Abroad!! I will be living in Zambia, Africa in the fall for three months (Aug-Oct). There I will be learning and working in clinics, orphanages, and remote villages in Zambia. I can’t wait.  

            But it wasn’t until today when it all truly sunk in. I wanted to tell my professor about my acceptance. She has been such a great mentor and role model throughout my time here at the university. The minute I told her about my good news, she jumped up and down and screamed. I was totally not expecting that. Literally, full out scream of excitement. But then after a brief moment she looked me in the eyes with a few tears running down her check and said… I had been praying that God would work through you and that God would meet the desires of your heart. Wow, I was speechless. This whole time God was in control. I had no idea she was praying for me. I had no idea that she even cared.  As I conclude, I want to leave you with one last thought. If your world is running non-stop and you don’t feel like you can catch a break like I have, just remember that God is in control. Don’t just always be looking for what is coming next, but live in the present. Trust in Him. It is hard, but like I said earlier, it’s totally worth it!

Thanks for letting me share with you the great things God has done in my life.

Until next time, Adiós y hasta luego!  

Abrazos y besos(hugs and kisses),
Lauren 

His plan, His timing, a necessity

Today marks the one-year since my grandfather went to be with the Lord. I remember that night in the ER so vividly. I told myself that that everything was going to be okay, but I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to be. The moment when my dad asked me to go see him, I knew something was seriously wrong. I was so scared to walk down that hall to his room. It hurt me to see him, just lying there in that hospital bed in intense pain. I couldn’t do or say anything to make him feel better. Here was a man that was so strong throughout his life and always treated me with the upmost respect and his grandfather special treatment (spoiling me rotten). The next morning when I heard the news, I was just in utter shock… I had never lost anyone close to me. As my three-year-old cousin looked up at me at that same time, I couldn’t help but fake a smile to show her that I wasn’t hurting on the inside. This pain was more than I had ever experienced in my adulthood. Now that Grandpa Jerry is gone, I want to honor him and his legacy. He may not have been a superstar or a millionaire, but he was my grandfather, my father’s father, and my grandmother’s husband. And that is enough for me! He loved his family and most of all he was a strong Christian follower. He always knew how to have fun…card games, shuffleboard, beach walks, and even our Christmas holidays. I always think about the annoying, repetitive question that he would ask me, how many boyfriends do you have? Why don’t you have someone, you are so pretty and smart? I would always feel so great to hear him say that. He had such great confidence in me and always wanted the best for me. I knew he asked those questions because he wanted to make sure that I was taken care of and treated the way a lady should be treated. I have never been the type to be all boy crazy or even dated even my grandfather knew that, but that didn’t stop him from asking the questions. Now as a twenty year old, people are shocked that I have never been in a relationship. However, despite the constant battle of wanting a relationship, I have realized recently that it is necessary to have patience and trust in God’s plan for everything, including this issue.  God has always showed me his plan through it all, even if it wasn’t what I wanted at that time. I think of our society and the pressure for intimate relationships. There is a society demand for everything to be done early, graduate early, get a job earlier, get money earlier, get married earlier, have a true-American dream earlier….but in reality, we just need to slow down. More specifically, I need to slow down. What’s the rush? I am so young and have so many opportunities. I want to travel, to work, to learn, and to live, yet, in God’s timing. It is so hard, but in the end, I know it is better than I could ever expect. How cool is God and His plan? If I could tell my grandfather one thing, I would say thanks! Thanks for being a good role model for me, thanks for loving my family, and thanks for always having my back and supporting me in everything! I miss you, but I am doing all right. One day, I want to look back, and say that grandpa was right; I finally got one that treats me right! What a special day that will be! For now, I honor my grandfather and pray for my family as they remember his legacy. RIP Grandpa!