To the me in the photos....

I look at the photos filling up the walls of your room. The photos of you and your adventures, of your closest friends and family, of the memories that you hold close to you. You know the photos that are your favorite and you can’t get rid of no matter how old they are. Each photo is taken in a completely different environment yet something remains the same. Your smile is the same. Years could go by but you continue to have that same look on your face. Despite how cheesy your smile looks, you are truly happy. You are happy to be in the picture with that specific person, doing that particular thing, at that exact moment in time. Whether it is petting that beautiful white tiger in Africa or standing next to one of your best friends at a concert, your smile radiates. You don’t know what is about to happen or where you are going next, but you are happy. Oh, how I wish you could see the road ahead- the hard times, the good times, the people that are going to show up in your life at an unexpected moment, the lessons you are going to learn. I wish I could tell you how it’s okay to slow down and smell the flowers or to relax every once in a while. Growing up is different and it’s going to take an incredible amount of strength. You aren’t always going to get what you want or you might but it might not be on your timeline or how you wanted it to go. Shocker! The cute guy isn’t always going to notice you or you may not always afford the fancy dress you so want to buy in the window of the shopping mall. You job will tear you apart. There will be days when you want to throw it all away and quit, but don’t. Your roommate is going to get annoyed with you and your family will call you hundreds of times to check up on you. No matter how much you are burnt out, keep going. You are going to say you can’t or won’t one million times, but you are going to do it.  Do it anyways because your family loves you, your friends want the best for you, and your patients’ lives literally depend on you.  As I am writing to you, I am tired. You know the kind of tired where you don’t want to do anything except cuddle in a mound of blankets and not get up for hours. I am not tired physically, which is what most people would contribute to a night-shifters comment on exhaustion. For a change, my body is rejuvenated and no longer aching/longing for sleep during the night hours. However, I am the kind of tired where you have been working to obtain something that is unobtainable. You have given your whole energy and heart to something, which may not even happen.  You know that you a very motivated and high achieving individual that for years has set somewhat ambitious goals. The Lord has blessed you and each year you have been able to achieve your ambitious goal.  Yet you continue to impatiently want more. Why?  Stop alluding to the fact you haven’t checked all the boxes in your 5-10 year goal plan yet. That is just so stupid. You are a beautiful, cherished daughter of the King. He is able to do far more than you can imagine in your life. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t achieved that dream of being a wife/mom with the white-picket fence, or the trauma flight nurse flying over the scene of a multi-car pile up, or the Peace Corp volunteer feeding orphan children in Central America. God has given you a desire to love people. So continue loving the people in your life. Work better to mend broken relationships and look for ways to create new ones. Don’t let your insecurities and impatience get in the way of God working in/ through you. The Lord has great plans for you Lauren. Relax and continue to smile despite how cheesy it may be.

You are Loved,
L

Waiting patiently in singleness: How “ring by spring” is a horrible concept

         With the holidays and family gatherings coming up in a few weeks, I am awaiting that dreaded question that every single 20 something girl hates… Are you dating anyone yet? For years now, I have had countless coworkers, family members, church members, and close friends ask the innocent yet most embarrassing question out there. Here are individuals who either don’t know me too well or haven’t seen me in months or years so they bring up the first thing that comes to mind. At times, it is difficult to decipher if they truly do have an honest concern for my well-being/happiness or if they are just asking the question to pass the time. But on the receiving end, it is awkward and slightly uncomfortable. Now I am not saying that the question itself is awkward, but it’s that tiny little adverb that follows the innocent question: YET. It’s like I have missed the timetable or that they are surprised that I haven’t found someone already. They then proceed to tell me how their cousin twice removed or their neighbor found a nice boy on EHarmony or ChristianMingle. Ultimately, leaving me to think that there is something wrong with me for being single at 22, when in fact there is nothing wrong with me. (sidenote) Actually, not to boast or anything, but I’m quite a good catch and any guy would be a fool not to go after me. Wife material right here. Hahaha J

             I am tired of allowing myself to get caught up in the notion that if I am not dating or married in the next few years then I haven’t succeeded or the fact that I am not good enough. It seems like all of my friends (both guy and girls) come to me with their dating woes and need for advice like I am Lucy from the Peanuts.  And I am sitting over here with no progress or even much experience in the dating department myself.  Bitterness, jealousy, and discontentment smacks me in the face. It’s the exact thing that happens when the little subconscious angel and devil fight in the cartoons. I know one thing and trust in God, but at the same time I struggle with the voice that tries to confuse, belittle, and destroy me. My sinful conceit and selfishness demands to be victorious over me. Yet, I have been extremely blessed and am in an opportune time in my life. I have nothing to complain about, but unfortunately I do.  I think it is easy to always be looking for the next thing in life. Now that I have a big girl job, moved out of my parent’s house, got my degree, it’s so easy to say what’s next? A tall-handsome hubby? Kids?  A year or two living abroad?  A white picket fence house? A Dog? NO to the dog!!!!!!! (sidenote: not going to happen sorry to my future family) I think graduating from a four year Christian college probably didn’t not help this situation anything either. While at school, it seemed like everyone had this strong desire to get married right away and for those of us who didn’t, we were the outsiders. I know that sounds rough, but it is the brutal truth. For those of you who attended a small Christian college, can I get an amen? We would joke and say that if anyone started dating in the fall or winter, there would be an engagement ring by spring. It was so bad that people would act differently if you had friends of the opposite sex. I couldn’t even hang out with guys without someone asking me if I liked them or if we were dating, which for me as a people person was not okay. Don’t get me wrong, I was and still am extremely happy for all of my friends that did get the ring by spring and I love me a good wedding/love story, but it seriously makes the other girls on the sidelines, myself included, feel like we are just the “left overs”. There should be some kind of movement to stop the unspoken pressure on these girls to find someone at such a young age. And also, there is only so much pinterest -wedding inspired -ooing and aweing conversations that one girl can handle. They swarmed the dorm room hallways, bathrooms, and even gym locker rooms like some infestation of bugs you couldn’t get rid of. Can’t we just talk about other things?  No girl at 18, 19, 20, 21… and so on should feel like the need to get married immediately following graduation.

             Sadly, I started to become one of those girls and deep down I think I might have. It totally sucks being absorbed by the idea that since I am not in a relationship that there is this pressure to be. Recently, I had someone very dear to me say, do you want to date just to date or do you want to date to be in a relationship that could lead to a God honoring marriage and lifetime together? I honestly had to stop mid sentence to think about it. I have for so long thought the pressure to be in a relationship would go away once I was in a relationship, but the fact is, there wasn’t even any pressure in the beginning. Contentment was the real issue. Am I content in my current relationship status? Is it God honoring? Will I be content despite the circumstance or plan God has for me? It’s one of those things that you don’t want to discuss but feel guilty about it because you know it isn’t what it should be. On Sunday, I was once again reminded of how great my God is and how contentment is truly found in Him. One of my pastors mentioned that the beauty of the Lord cultivates thankfulness rather than discontentment.  What great truth that is. We gain everything in Christ. We are without need with Him. He is working in us and through us each and everyday. Do I want to eventually be in a relationship that leads to marriage? Heck yes, but I am no longer allowing this unspoken pressure from the community around me, or the innocent but honest adverb YET rob me of my contentment. I have found pure joy in something that will 100% of the time satisfy me. I am praying that one day He will grant the desires of my heart to find that special someone who wants to live a life together in a way that honors God. Until then, I will continue to smile and live life to the fullest. I am going to embrace every moment patiently of singleness. I may need some encouragement and accountability along the way, but all I really need is the love of God.  I am a unique individual that has great beauty, value, and passion for others.  Bring on the living room dancing, cookies parties, road trips, new adventures, Netflix marathons, cooking lessons, healthy lifestyle choices, extra hours/days at work, and ministry opportunities. I am trusting God through it all.

Thanks for tuning in friends! Until then, Nos Vemos y Dios te bendiga (see you soon and God Bless)

Love,

L

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me…Well, Maybe

Just letting go is the hardest thing to do. No one wants to cling on to something that has been a burden for what seems like ages, but why is difficult to throw whatever it is as far away as possible. For me, I have the biggest pride issue. I want to be right, I want every one to like me, I, I, I… I do everything to seek acceptance or more or less, attention from others. There I said it. I am not a humble person. From the playground in kindergarten to the coffee shop on the college campus, I have tried so hard to feel part of the team. Most of the time I have done a pretty good job of blending in with the crowd or being the star player, but other times, I have alienated myself because I unintentionally have this deep fear of rejection or even worse, failure. As I sit here, the tears pour down my cheek. For my entire 22 years of life, I have found something that I have excelled at.  Whatever it was, I thrived. I am not saying this to be proud or arrogant (although I do admit, I can be a little prideful at times). I am saying it because it was the truth.  However, this past year has really put me to the test. The things that I once excelled at has became my nemeses, and lately, I have just felt defeated. Things I thought would never happen to me, happened. I went from being this bubbly, goofy twenty-something to being this timid, worried girl. I came to the crossroads multiple times where I had to decide what my reaction was going to be. Was I going to keep chugging along or was I going to let the hard things slow me down? People told me that “it is just a period of your life and it will go away” or that “trust in God and He will get you through this.”  No matter what advice or encouragement I was given, The only word that I focused on was Defeat. For a period of time, I held on with my own power. I was holding on by adrenaline or just to prove to people that I could do it. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, I was broken. I was allowing my own worry and negativity to consume me. I am not the person that takes no easily so despite my own brokenness; I continued to ignore the crossroads I was faced with. But the reality is, I am not strong enough on my own to hold on. I allow my own words to destroy me and that is causing the most damage of all.  I lacked confidence in myself, my family and friends, and most importantly, God.  I can vividly remember attending a chapel service one Friday morning at the Macha Nursing School in Zambia, Africa last fall. The pastor spoke on Trusting God despite the adversity we face.  You see during this time, the Zambian president had passed away and he addressed the group of nursing students asking them if they could trust God in the midst of this mourning period and time of unknown for the country. They did not know what could happen next in their government and I could feel the tension in the room as the students began responding out loud to the pastor's message. Not only was the sermon applicable for the Zambian students, but the message impacted me so much that I reread the notes on a weekly basis.  This pastor kept emphasizing the importance of trusting God amongst the hard times, amongst the confusion and chaos, and amongst pain and suffering. He used the story of Job to illustrate this. Growing up in the church and attending IWU, I probably heard this story hundreds of times, and I could probably even recite it now. However, the way this pastor explained the story of Job just clicked in my brain, and I could see what true faith and trust in the Lord really is.  I remember towards the end of the sermon he shouted out the questions can you trust God when your patients are dying in the hospital, or when you fail an exam or assignment? When you have no money? Or even when you see the neighbor next to you with a girl friend/boyfriend and you don’t have one yet? Here I was oceans and continents away being asked questions that I am faced with on a day to basis at home. It caused me to realized that I cannot do anything without trusting God. I am not saying it is an easy thing and does my prideful self allow myself to all of the time? No, but it is the source of strength that I don't have. Sadly, I lost focus by the words I chose to tell myself. Defeat is nothing I can't handle with the strength of the ALMIGHTY. Job despite everything he lost trusted in God. He had lost all of his earthly possessions and to the world, he was defeated. I am so grateful I can do the same as Job by trusting God with everything despite the crossroads I am faced with. Please be praying for me as I continue battling Satan's efforts to cause me to believe the words such as "defeat" or "failure". Pray that I trust in God wholeheartedly. He loves me and He has died for me. That is truly all that I need. Until next time friends! Love and blessings to all, 

L :)

Huge Blessing

One of my biggest weaknesses in life is my self-confidence. I am constantly worried about what everyone else thinks of me. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Satan attacks me by telling me I am not good enough or that I have to work extremely hard to obtain approval from others. This bad habit started in around the eighth grade and has followed me throughout college. Although it is not the extent of what it was when I was thirteen, I have to be honest I still occasionally struggle with it. Who doesn’t every once and a while? I have to constantly work to tell myself to find my identity in Christ rather than in what others think, but it is not as easy as it sounds when you mindset has been that way for a while and pressure from society and my Christian college environment is ever so evident. I was starting to feel comfortable in my own skin until I was accepted for the most amazing study abroad experience ever. As I was preparing for the trip, I spent so much more time worrying about the other 15 girls on the trip then I would by praying and considering the actual work and ministry I was doing here in Africa. I was worried that they wouldn’t like me or that I was so different from them that I would not relate to them. I remember telling my mom that I was literally the “biggest girl” on the trip and that they were all supermodels. The stupidest thoughts flooded my mind until one encounter in the Zambian market. I was mesmerized by the culture and I was so excited to get my hands on some African textiles. I was getting measured for an African dress and then the comment came… You are a huge one. I was caught of guard. I have never though I was huge, maybe slightly over average weight. I knew I wasn’t always the skinniest, but I never considered myself huge. None of the other girls that I was with had that comment spoken to them. Let me tell you that comment was so discouraging. I almost wanted to leave right there and not finish my order. A few days later a little kid near our compound grabbed my attention and yelled at me saying I was fat. I was broken and those negative thoughts continue to pile up. The girls in my group told me to not let it bother me, and they continue to say that I was fine. They were so encouraging. Except I wouldn’t listen at all. Pictures on my camera and the mirrors in my room were enemies. Precious images of memories on the trip were a nuisance to look at. I was stubborn and the devil continued to attack me. It wasn’t until one of my professors explained to me the cultural context behind the comments that were directed to me. Here in Africa, it is considered a compliment to be called “fat”. It means that you are healthy and not dying. It is extremely attractive and beautiful to them. The people are envious of the quality of life that we have because we do not have to struggle day to day to provide sufficient food. The amount of Zambian people living in extreme poverty or those that have the terrible disease of HIV/AIDs is overwhelming. These conditions cause them to appear sickly or to the point that their body is eating them away. I began to feel guilty and ashamed that I could let something so trivial as those comments. Lord has worked on me so much during the trip to learn to accept my beauty in Christ and to live in the moment, not always worrying about the approval from others. Please continue to pray for me as I learn to conquer my weaknesses and that I can deny Satan any hold on my mind and heart.  It is a growing process, but I am so blessed that I am able to defeat Satan. Also, I am so blessed by the encouragement of the amazing group of girls on this trip. I have made so many incredible friends here. More to come about them on my next blog post! Stay tune

Here are some encouraging verses that I can look to for comfort:

Philippians 4:4-7 ESV

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Psalm 139:13-14

 You are the one who put me together inside my mother’s body, and I praise you because of the wonderful way you created me. Everything you do is marvelous! Of this I have no doubt

Isaiah 41:10 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.