I AM STILL THAT BUBBLY GIRL WHO SINGS IN THE CAR...I AM JUST GAINING MY SONG BACK AGAIN

January 31, 2017

Well, as many of you know, I legitimately think today should be a holiday.  You laugh and roll your eyes, but if you know anything about me at all, then you know that I am obsessed with ALL birthdays, especially my own. For some reason, I think everyone should celebrate themselves and there is no better day than the day of your birth. Bring on all the cake, the ginormous balloons, and fancy gifts! It’s time for a party baby. As for this year, I have reached another year closer to a quarter of a century but somehow still look like a 15 year old girl (people keep saying it’s a good thing, but I have yet to see why). This year has been full of extreme highs and lows, especially these last couple months. In fact, these last six-seven weeks have been so utterly exhausting and emotional draining that I didn't want to do anything for my birthday at all. Ultimately, I was going to boycott it all together if there wasn't some convincing of my roommate and my family, I would be doing just that. But they kept saying that I would be denying myself of the enjoyment and pleasure of something I treasure so dearly. So I had to stop myself and accept defeat. I could not wallow in what I thought was miserable as it is not who I am nor is it who I want to be. I have never been the person to let someone bring me down or a circumstance control me as much as I have the last few months. I vow to make this birthday the  best. Not due to a fancy/big party, but due to inspiring to be a better Christian, nurse, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister, and friend.

 You know that sinking feeling you get deep down where you know something is not right, the one that suffocates you and needs disappear, but no matter what happens or what you do, it doesn’t go away. Not only does this gnawing/burning anxiety sticks around, but it also permeates throughout the entire body. I can distinctly remember the first time I felt this. I was 12 years old. My dad was taking me to a sleepover at one of my classmate's house. I was so nervous that I wouldn't fit in and that the other girls wouldn't like me that I made my dad turn around and go home. I claimed I was "sick" but in fact, I was just so nervous that I didn't want to go and I physically made myself sick. The lump in my throat would not go away,and my stomach began to start to churn so much that I attributed it to being sick and within a hour or so, I was back to my normal self. This past year, I have had this feeling more times than I can count. Between work, friends stuff, moving,  a new job, and a sudden onset of a health condition, I haven't been able to get rid of this awful feeling and I have yet to return to my normal self. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of seeking attention, using my pain/sickness as an excuse, and wallowing in self-pity. I'm tired of losing focus of who I am. As I go into my birthday, I want to put away all the bad things that have happened over the course of a few months. I want to focus on the positive things and to accept each next challenge with grace instead of anxiety. It isn't easy, but I am ready and NEED a change now.

5 Take-aways at age 24:

1. Learn to respect myself more, take time for me (not just in a selfish way) and slow down. Now I am not a pro or anything, but I have the tendency to take the easy way out. However, I am starting to see the negative impact of not taking care of myself and overdoing it. As a nurse, I should know better. In general, this means you aren't going to get any better if you continue to ware yourself out. Eat appropriately, exercise, attend to your mental/spiritual health, and SLEEP (what the heck is that?!?). I will continue to figure out this new health condition and I will do whatever it takes to feel normal.

2. Trust in the Big man upstairs. I seriously don't know what is in store. If you told me a
year ago that  I would be doing what I am doing now, I would have just laughed. Don't doubt his plans for you and don't place blame when something is extremely difficult or doesn't go your way at all. Do not worry if you haven't fulfilled your five year plan or if things with "Mr. right" hasn't worked out, or you feel like you aren't living at your fullest capacity. Take a breath, relax, and open the Word. I have to be reminded that I am a loved child of the living King and that I can have a relationship WITH Him. He is in control even when I am confused and think everything is in chaos.

3. Not everyone has to be your best buddy (be kind, be generous, be loving
but you have no obligation to have to be liked by everyone even though my people-pleasing personality thrives on it and tells me otherwise). We are all different and it is okay if you aren't always invited to the coolest party,Lauren. I have been so wrapped up in certain people that I failed to see what was actually real versus some false reality that I played in my head. I let my closest friends and family down as I idolized individuals that hurt me and really didn’t care. I wore my deep feelings on my sleeves and my heart was broke as a result. Don't worry as there can be restitution and forgiveness in these situations,but there also can be a sense of boundaries and a healthy guardedness. I learned to not get so distraught/caught up because a friend did something to upset me or a certain relationship wasn't what I thought,expected ,and/or wanted it to be.

4. Work hard. I have always been a hard worker and 100% goal oriented. I have been blessed with many opportunities to serve with my talents and be challenge in ways I could not even imagine. Never be prideful and conceited, but do what you love and what you are good at. Strive to be the best and learn from your mistakes.

5. Play hard. Life is too short to let the hard things prevent you from doing things that you love. Travel, Jump out of that airplane, Shop-till- you drop, Ride all the rollercoasters, drink your coffee/eat your dark chocolate daily, never apologize for being yourself and for laughing so hard that you almost stop breathing. Don't let anxiety, pain, or constrains of everyday life to let you break loose and be adventurous.

The passage I have focused on recently is Luke 7/Mark 14. These passages tell the story of the woman anointing Jesus' feet and how she knew he was import and so special that she gave the most precious thing she had to anoint his feet. When I think of Christ, His cross, and all that he has done for me, I just cringe at the fact that I have been so naïve and selfish. I have conformed into the patterns of this world by letting greed, bitterness, malice, and self-destruction consume me. Instead, I should have been clinging to him and wanting to give him the most precious thing that I have, my life. I want to fall in love with Christ more each and everyday. I want to adore Him and that with all of my life I can be like the perfume anointed at His feet.

Please be praying for clarity and healing over the next couple months. I start my next journey in my career as a nurse in 3 weeks and will be fighting everyday to figure out/ beat this new illness.

You are incredibly loved,
L

"In the eye of the storm you remain in control, In the middle of the war, you guard my soul. Your love surrounds me."

Stuck in the Mud: broken hearts, sleepless nights, and wavering hope. The Journey of a newbie ICU nurse…

Just take care of yourself.  Stop worrying what everyone thinks. You worry way too much.  You have a lot to be grateful for. You know those words that I so easily dish out to people, in fact probably way too much. Yet, when directed towards me, I so unwillingly listen to and take into consideration. In fact, I become frustrated and even sometimes mad if people say them to me. I don’t know if it is a pride issue or a stubbornness issue. As a nurse, I believe it is my natural instinct to think/care about others and to believe I can fix-it all.  I don’t know if that applies to every nurse, but I spend day in and out literally caring and considering every aspect of an individual’s life whether for people at work or for people at home. I joke that my job encompasses my different titles that make me act the way I do: the mother, the teacher, the nanny, the waitress, the social worker, the janitor, the peacemaker, the lifesaver, etc. The list can go on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and wouldn’t change the experience I am gaining. The people I work with and the patient’s I care for make it totally worth all the stress. Over the last three years (1 year as a actual RN), I have grown to love the ICU and the complexity of the job. I love being able to solve so many problems and multi-task on a 100 things at once. I love being able to see the smile on a patient’s face when I can give them ice cream for the first time after not eating for a week or seeing a patient take their first breath after being taken off of a breathing machine. I find joy in being able to give pain relief to that trauma patient who wasn’t expecting to be involved in a car wreck or to give a shoulder to cry on to a grieving family member who just watched their love one pass away. However, over the last couple of months, sadly, I have realized that I am not invincible and that I need to take care of myself and treat myself the same as I do everyone else… although I try 100% to be; I am not Superman (as much as I allude to Charlie Puth’s One Call Away). I try to juggle the demands of my first big girl job with the balancing act of learning how to be an adult and somewhat maintaining a social life with a family and friends. I come home defeated and burnt out because I saw something horrific at work or someone wasn’t satisfied with the care I was giving.  I become frustrated because I have to schedule every aspect of my life because working night shift means working on some of the weekends, on the holidays, and on the nights when I really just want to go out with friends or travel to see my younger brother out of state. I become angry because my friends and family don’t understand that although I only work three days each week, that I am emotionally and physically drained the other four days and that even though some nights are mundane and slow paced, others are so crazy that I just want to walk out and quit. I gain hatred for the fact that I have to split my time, energy, and compassion between the innocent cancer patient and the patient that comes in and out of the hospital because they have once again abused multiple drugs and/or alcohol. I constantly wake up in the middle of night/day hearing hospital alarms or freaking out that I omitted a medication or gave the wrong medication to a patient. I have let every little anxiety control me to the point that I have lost all focus, which has seriously affected every aspect of my physical, spiritual, and emotional health and well being. I have not only lost focus of why I am doing what I am doing but also who I am. I am tired. Not just the type that a good night’s rest will cover. I have hit a brick wall, both literally and figuratively. Yah, don’t laugh but I ran into a brick wall the other day because I didn’t see it. Yes, comedic relief is a legitimate thing and the main reason why I hang out with certain people but that is beside the point I am trying to make. I have become a bitter, cynical, jealous and sometimes cranky 23- year old and certain people can attest to that. The last couple of months I haven’t felt like my normal self.  I have lost focus that I am a child of the living God, who is passionate, caring, and full of this energy to love life and live it to the fullest. I have lost focus that I am talented in what I do and the fact that I always strive for success in whatever obstacle/goal that I face. I have lost focus that it is okay to make mistakes and that I am not a failure just because something didn’t turn out for the best or how I expected it to. I have lost focus of the beauty of the world and instead focused on the evil, the deep pain, sickness, and sadness I see everyday at work. I am tired of it. And some change is happening right now. Tonight I pledge to take more care of myself. I pledge to eat healthier, drink more water, and to prioritize sleep.  I pledge to value the beauty in what is around me and to listen to those statements of advice that were mentioned earlier. I am loved by the living God, what is greater than that?! He is Bigger than anything I desire or imagine. I may not understand everything that is going on and it is okay to be upset. But I know that it is not okay to stew in this state of confusion.  From now on, I am resting in his presence and trusting in Him. I may fall down every once and awhile, but I am looking forward to this weight being lifted off of my shoulders. God is good all the time.

“Your praise will ever be on my lips.”

“There is no place that I rather be than here in your love”

Thanks friends for reading. You are loved,

L

To the me in the photos....

I look at the photos filling up the walls of your room. The photos of you and your adventures, of your closest friends and family, of the memories that you hold close to you. You know the photos that are your favorite and you can’t get rid of no matter how old they are. Each photo is taken in a completely different environment yet something remains the same. Your smile is the same. Years could go by but you continue to have that same look on your face. Despite how cheesy your smile looks, you are truly happy. You are happy to be in the picture with that specific person, doing that particular thing, at that exact moment in time. Whether it is petting that beautiful white tiger in Africa or standing next to one of your best friends at a concert, your smile radiates. You don’t know what is about to happen or where you are going next, but you are happy. Oh, how I wish you could see the road ahead- the hard times, the good times, the people that are going to show up in your life at an unexpected moment, the lessons you are going to learn. I wish I could tell you how it’s okay to slow down and smell the flowers or to relax every once in a while. Growing up is different and it’s going to take an incredible amount of strength. You aren’t always going to get what you want or you might but it might not be on your timeline or how you wanted it to go. Shocker! The cute guy isn’t always going to notice you or you may not always afford the fancy dress you so want to buy in the window of the shopping mall. You job will tear you apart. There will be days when you want to throw it all away and quit, but don’t. Your roommate is going to get annoyed with you and your family will call you hundreds of times to check up on you. No matter how much you are burnt out, keep going. You are going to say you can’t or won’t one million times, but you are going to do it.  Do it anyways because your family loves you, your friends want the best for you, and your patients’ lives literally depend on you.  As I am writing to you, I am tired. You know the kind of tired where you don’t want to do anything except cuddle in a mound of blankets and not get up for hours. I am not tired physically, which is what most people would contribute to a night-shifters comment on exhaustion. For a change, my body is rejuvenated and no longer aching/longing for sleep during the night hours. However, I am the kind of tired where you have been working to obtain something that is unobtainable. You have given your whole energy and heart to something, which may not even happen.  You know that you a very motivated and high achieving individual that for years has set somewhat ambitious goals. The Lord has blessed you and each year you have been able to achieve your ambitious goal.  Yet you continue to impatiently want more. Why?  Stop alluding to the fact you haven’t checked all the boxes in your 5-10 year goal plan yet. That is just so stupid. You are a beautiful, cherished daughter of the King. He is able to do far more than you can imagine in your life. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t achieved that dream of being a wife/mom with the white-picket fence, or the trauma flight nurse flying over the scene of a multi-car pile up, or the Peace Corp volunteer feeding orphan children in Central America. God has given you a desire to love people. So continue loving the people in your life. Work better to mend broken relationships and look for ways to create new ones. Don’t let your insecurities and impatience get in the way of God working in/ through you. The Lord has great plans for you Lauren. Relax and continue to smile despite how cheesy it may be.

You are Loved,
L

Waiting patiently in singleness: How “ring by spring” is a horrible concept

         With the holidays and family gatherings coming up in a few weeks, I am awaiting that dreaded question that every single 20 something girl hates… Are you dating anyone yet? For years now, I have had countless coworkers, family members, church members, and close friends ask the innocent yet most embarrassing question out there. Here are individuals who either don’t know me too well or haven’t seen me in months or years so they bring up the first thing that comes to mind. At times, it is difficult to decipher if they truly do have an honest concern for my well-being/happiness or if they are just asking the question to pass the time. But on the receiving end, it is awkward and slightly uncomfortable. Now I am not saying that the question itself is awkward, but it’s that tiny little adverb that follows the innocent question: YET. It’s like I have missed the timetable or that they are surprised that I haven’t found someone already. They then proceed to tell me how their cousin twice removed or their neighbor found a nice boy on EHarmony or ChristianMingle. Ultimately, leaving me to think that there is something wrong with me for being single at 22, when in fact there is nothing wrong with me. (sidenote) Actually, not to boast or anything, but I’m quite a good catch and any guy would be a fool not to go after me. Wife material right here. Hahaha J

             I am tired of allowing myself to get caught up in the notion that if I am not dating or married in the next few years then I haven’t succeeded or the fact that I am not good enough. It seems like all of my friends (both guy and girls) come to me with their dating woes and need for advice like I am Lucy from the Peanuts.  And I am sitting over here with no progress or even much experience in the dating department myself.  Bitterness, jealousy, and discontentment smacks me in the face. It’s the exact thing that happens when the little subconscious angel and devil fight in the cartoons. I know one thing and trust in God, but at the same time I struggle with the voice that tries to confuse, belittle, and destroy me. My sinful conceit and selfishness demands to be victorious over me. Yet, I have been extremely blessed and am in an opportune time in my life. I have nothing to complain about, but unfortunately I do.  I think it is easy to always be looking for the next thing in life. Now that I have a big girl job, moved out of my parent’s house, got my degree, it’s so easy to say what’s next? A tall-handsome hubby? Kids?  A year or two living abroad?  A white picket fence house? A Dog? NO to the dog!!!!!!! (sidenote: not going to happen sorry to my future family) I think graduating from a four year Christian college probably didn’t not help this situation anything either. While at school, it seemed like everyone had this strong desire to get married right away and for those of us who didn’t, we were the outsiders. I know that sounds rough, but it is the brutal truth. For those of you who attended a small Christian college, can I get an amen? We would joke and say that if anyone started dating in the fall or winter, there would be an engagement ring by spring. It was so bad that people would act differently if you had friends of the opposite sex. I couldn’t even hang out with guys without someone asking me if I liked them or if we were dating, which for me as a people person was not okay. Don’t get me wrong, I was and still am extremely happy for all of my friends that did get the ring by spring and I love me a good wedding/love story, but it seriously makes the other girls on the sidelines, myself included, feel like we are just the “left overs”. There should be some kind of movement to stop the unspoken pressure on these girls to find someone at such a young age. And also, there is only so much pinterest -wedding inspired -ooing and aweing conversations that one girl can handle. They swarmed the dorm room hallways, bathrooms, and even gym locker rooms like some infestation of bugs you couldn’t get rid of. Can’t we just talk about other things?  No girl at 18, 19, 20, 21… and so on should feel like the need to get married immediately following graduation.

             Sadly, I started to become one of those girls and deep down I think I might have. It totally sucks being absorbed by the idea that since I am not in a relationship that there is this pressure to be. Recently, I had someone very dear to me say, do you want to date just to date or do you want to date to be in a relationship that could lead to a God honoring marriage and lifetime together? I honestly had to stop mid sentence to think about it. I have for so long thought the pressure to be in a relationship would go away once I was in a relationship, but the fact is, there wasn’t even any pressure in the beginning. Contentment was the real issue. Am I content in my current relationship status? Is it God honoring? Will I be content despite the circumstance or plan God has for me? It’s one of those things that you don’t want to discuss but feel guilty about it because you know it isn’t what it should be. On Sunday, I was once again reminded of how great my God is and how contentment is truly found in Him. One of my pastors mentioned that the beauty of the Lord cultivates thankfulness rather than discontentment.  What great truth that is. We gain everything in Christ. We are without need with Him. He is working in us and through us each and everyday. Do I want to eventually be in a relationship that leads to marriage? Heck yes, but I am no longer allowing this unspoken pressure from the community around me, or the innocent but honest adverb YET rob me of my contentment. I have found pure joy in something that will 100% of the time satisfy me. I am praying that one day He will grant the desires of my heart to find that special someone who wants to live a life together in a way that honors God. Until then, I will continue to smile and live life to the fullest. I am going to embrace every moment patiently of singleness. I may need some encouragement and accountability along the way, but all I really need is the love of God.  I am a unique individual that has great beauty, value, and passion for others.  Bring on the living room dancing, cookies parties, road trips, new adventures, Netflix marathons, cooking lessons, healthy lifestyle choices, extra hours/days at work, and ministry opportunities. I am trusting God through it all.

Thanks for tuning in friends! Until then, Nos Vemos y Dios te bendiga (see you soon and God Bless)

Love,

L

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me…Well, Maybe

Just letting go is the hardest thing to do. No one wants to cling on to something that has been a burden for what seems like ages, but why is difficult to throw whatever it is as far away as possible. For me, I have the biggest pride issue. I want to be right, I want every one to like me, I, I, I… I do everything to seek acceptance or more or less, attention from others. There I said it. I am not a humble person. From the playground in kindergarten to the coffee shop on the college campus, I have tried so hard to feel part of the team. Most of the time I have done a pretty good job of blending in with the crowd or being the star player, but other times, I have alienated myself because I unintentionally have this deep fear of rejection or even worse, failure. As I sit here, the tears pour down my cheek. For my entire 22 years of life, I have found something that I have excelled at.  Whatever it was, I thrived. I am not saying this to be proud or arrogant (although I do admit, I can be a little prideful at times). I am saying it because it was the truth.  However, this past year has really put me to the test. The things that I once excelled at has became my nemeses, and lately, I have just felt defeated. Things I thought would never happen to me, happened. I went from being this bubbly, goofy twenty-something to being this timid, worried girl. I came to the crossroads multiple times where I had to decide what my reaction was going to be. Was I going to keep chugging along or was I going to let the hard things slow me down? People told me that “it is just a period of your life and it will go away” or that “trust in God and He will get you through this.”  No matter what advice or encouragement I was given, The only word that I focused on was Defeat. For a period of time, I held on with my own power. I was holding on by adrenaline or just to prove to people that I could do it. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, I was broken. I was allowing my own worry and negativity to consume me. I am not the person that takes no easily so despite my own brokenness; I continued to ignore the crossroads I was faced with. But the reality is, I am not strong enough on my own to hold on. I allow my own words to destroy me and that is causing the most damage of all.  I lacked confidence in myself, my family and friends, and most importantly, God.  I can vividly remember attending a chapel service one Friday morning at the Macha Nursing School in Zambia, Africa last fall. The pastor spoke on Trusting God despite the adversity we face.  You see during this time, the Zambian president had passed away and he addressed the group of nursing students asking them if they could trust God in the midst of this mourning period and time of unknown for the country. They did not know what could happen next in their government and I could feel the tension in the room as the students began responding out loud to the pastor's message. Not only was the sermon applicable for the Zambian students, but the message impacted me so much that I reread the notes on a weekly basis.  This pastor kept emphasizing the importance of trusting God amongst the hard times, amongst the confusion and chaos, and amongst pain and suffering. He used the story of Job to illustrate this. Growing up in the church and attending IWU, I probably heard this story hundreds of times, and I could probably even recite it now. However, the way this pastor explained the story of Job just clicked in my brain, and I could see what true faith and trust in the Lord really is.  I remember towards the end of the sermon he shouted out the questions can you trust God when your patients are dying in the hospital, or when you fail an exam or assignment? When you have no money? Or even when you see the neighbor next to you with a girl friend/boyfriend and you don’t have one yet? Here I was oceans and continents away being asked questions that I am faced with on a day to basis at home. It caused me to realized that I cannot do anything without trusting God. I am not saying it is an easy thing and does my prideful self allow myself to all of the time? No, but it is the source of strength that I don't have. Sadly, I lost focus by the words I chose to tell myself. Defeat is nothing I can't handle with the strength of the ALMIGHTY. Job despite everything he lost trusted in God. He had lost all of his earthly possessions and to the world, he was defeated. I am so grateful I can do the same as Job by trusting God with everything despite the crossroads I am faced with. Please be praying for me as I continue battling Satan's efforts to cause me to believe the words such as "defeat" or "failure". Pray that I trust in God wholeheartedly. He loves me and He has died for me. That is truly all that I need. Until next time friends! Love and blessings to all, 

L :)