I am overwhelmed: blessings, dreams, and reality. I let go and finally let God.

Friends and Family,

As I sit in my dorm room this morning, I am overwhelmed by the blessings God has given me in my life. I do not have the appropriate words to explain how thankful and how overwhelmed by God’s everlasting faithfulness to me, even when I have the most ridiculous attitudes or do the dumbest things. Over the past year, I have had my ups and downs, always asking God why me and why not now. My selfish desires kept haunting me, and I seemed to be addicted to not only my plan for the future, but my timing. Everything had to be about me and about the now. Yet, I didn’t put into account God’s plan and God’s timing that logically, since the time I was a child, knew is the most important aspect in our lives. These desires that I had, for the grades, for the friends (and significant other), for the job, and for the international travel seemed to be haunting me every single day. Although the dreams and plans I have are beautiful and appropriate, my intentions were completely flawed.  What I wanted didn’t seem to be happening so I became bitter and apathetic, essentially giving up and not believing. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I realized to let go and let God. He has been faithful to me before so I asked myself why don’t I know He is going to be faithful again. It may not go exactly as the way I planned, but in the end, it is not for my glory, it is all for His. After going over the book of Joshua in church and having a ladies prayer meeting with wonderful Christian examples, I finally let go of everything and gave it all to God, trusting Him like I always have. When odds seem to be against Joshua, he didn’t give up, always knowing in the back of his mind that God is in control. How cool is that? Shortly after, God started answering my prayers in His way and His timing. Now, I feel stupid for the way I have been acting.  He has answered many of my prayers in ways I never could have expected.

1.     The grades

·      I am doing well in nursing school, and I am so thankful for the instructors at Indiana Wesleyan University. They are professional and personal at the same time, always striving to encourage students as they learn in their academic field and also as they grow in their walk with the Lord.  I have truly mastered learning; it isn’t for the A like I have always strived for, but it is for the material that you are learning: the steps to critical thinking, prioritizing, making mistakes and changing the way you do things in the future. I am so excited to finish my two years here and continue my education of becoming a nurse.

2.     The friends

·      I have always been blessed with friends, but after some disappointment, the friends around discouraged me and tore me down both spiritually and emotionally. I couldn't handle it. I felt alienated, alone, and unwanted. This period of time made me focus on my true Christian friends, and how I can be a positive influence on them and on those who are persecuting me. God has recently blessed me with new Christian influences and old friends that are always faithful, I am so thankful for every single one of them!

3.     The Job

·      Yesterday, I was offered an interview for an internship that I thought I was never capable of getting. Although I haven’t received the position yet or know if I will, I am honored at the thought of working my first nursing job in a hospital along with the possibility of keeping both of my other jobs of being a babysitter and a lifeguard. Either way, I am thanking God for his continuous blessings in my reality. I continue to pray that God will grant me the understanding and the appreciation for the fact I have awesome opportunities to love on others no matter where I work!

4.     The International Travel

·      After my big summer of international traveling last year, I knew for a fact that I wanted to go somewhere this year: mission work, study abroad, vacation. I just wanted to hop on a plane and go somewhere with my passport in hand. That didn't happen. But instead of being discouraged, I have hope. My timing may not be the right timing, but if it is part of God’s plan, then it will happen. Possibilities are on the horizon, and I pray that God will give me patience for His plan and timing and direction where He wants me to be. South Africa? Zambia? Guatemala? All possibilities, Stay Tune for what God has in store for me!

All in all, I guess what I am trying to say to you today is, Have Patience, Let Go, and Let God. I finally did, and look where it got me! To God Be All the Glory, Honor, and Praise. Whatever you have going on in your life in this current time, please know that God is in control. His blessings are overwhelming! Love to all,

Lauren 

A Love for New Words: spontaneity, unpredictability, transition

Words are a wonderful thing. Everything about a word fascinates me: the meanings, associations, even the sounds. And to think one of the biggest means of communication in this day in age has something to do with a word just amazes me. As many of you know me, I can be a bit of a stickler for rules. In fact, my family jokes and says I am going to be a future Nurse Ratchet. Ever since I was a little girl, I would run in fear of breaking one single rule and everything had to be routine or in order. I would cross my t’s and dot my I’s the same way no matter the time or situation. I don’t know why this is the case, but I think I was afraid that I would fail to meet up to my own expectations.  People say that your family expectations play a role in everything. Although I believe that to be true, I still think I was the center of every problem. I pushed myself too hard and was not satisfied with failing to reach my goal in sight. As I have been maturing throughout the years, I have loosened up the reins a little and have literally stepped out of my comfort zone: 3 international trips, 3 different part-time jobs, and two years of a college education. I have decided to be spontaneous. And I discovered the hurt, yet incredible joy of life. These new experiences have shaped the way I think about words and even the way I think about the human race.

           On this cold rainy night, all I can think about is the sadden world that we live in today. The Boston Bombing, the massacre at Sandy Hook, poverty, war, sickness, and dying orphaned children. It just makes me sick to my stomach. It is not fair. Why must children live in the slums of the streets and in the bitter chill of cold? Why can’t they have what I am blessed with everyday? Why are innocent people killed in seconds by hardened hearts? Why do people go to bed with no food, and I sometimes go to bed so stuffed that I can’t even breathe? Although I do not understand why these things happen the way they do, I recognize that there is a problem. A problem where people have lost hope, comfort, the Truth. And all I want to do is show them that I know a God that is there through it all. I know that His love is all we need. He is our Hope, Comfort, Truth, and Life especially in this hurting time.

            This past year I spent a few weeks in the outskirts of Guatemala City, Guatemala. I worked in an orphanage called Casa Bernabé, which houses about 200 children ranging from 1day to 20 years old. At the orphanage, I met the most beautiful children I have ever seen in my entire life. I cannot even begin to explain how much this experience changed my life and my view of the world.  Going into the trip, I thought that I would be able to change the kids’ lives so much. Rather, instead of changing their lives, they completely changed mine.  I am no longer the spoiled, self-centered girl that I once was.  I learned that the word, unpredictability, was a good thing. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into before the trip. I didn’t even know if I’d be safe. I now have a broader view of the world and a greater appreciation for life and the preservation of life. Also, I have this incredible understanding of God, and how He can turn terribly heartbreaking situations such as what happened to a teenage girl I met, and turn it into a life changing, on fire for God.  

             What I saw and discovered is indescribable and disturbing. When I would hear the stories about the children, I could not do anything but ask why would God let these bad things happen to these beautiful children. A person, let alone a child, should never have to experience these circumstances. To think, these children that I met live in one of the poorest countries in Latin America, and any hope from international adoption is far from a possibility. Despite all the wonder and the dismay from Guatemala’s adoption decision, as Christians we are called to love and care for the widowed, orphaned, sick, poor, and hurting. That is exactly what I am going to do.  I cannot change the situation, but I can make this tough situation less intimidating. Although I cannot take these children out of orphanages, I can bring joy to their faces. I can volunteer my time, my money, and my resources so I can show the love of Christ.  My heart is with those children. I would not want it any other way. Now in our own country after the tragedies in the past couple years, we are in a transitionperiod, after many years of happiness and success to a period of sadness, war, poverty, and even death. This period is extremely difficult to even comprehend.  With that being said, I challenge you all to pray. Pray for the hurting. Pray for the lost. Pray that we will find our Hope because He is all we need.  Be spontaneous and reach out to someone you don’t know. I know, the outcomes are very unpredictable. But you never know, they might be hurting in this transition period.

 Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

Nothing is impossible for God, He holds my world in His Hands

Nothing is impossible for God, He holds my world in His Hands

Like many college students, I have adjusted to a specific schedule. The schedule goes like this. I go to class, eat, study, work, finish my clinical hours at the hospital, and hope that each day I find enough time to sleep (maybe on average 5 hours each night). Some might ask me why do I put myself through that much trouble when I could easily take the “easy way out”. However, others say that this is the best time of your life or that it isn’t that bad in school. I, myself, disagree. I choose answer D. none of the above statements. College is one big test, a test that has an expected passing rate from society, from friends, from family. A test to see if you can successfully balance your strenuous academic schedule, manage a part-time job, exercise weekly, eat healthy, and somehow manage to find time to maintain social relationships with friends and family. It is impossible… there is not one perfect way to do everything, and trust me if there was I would already be doing it. I keep asking myself why, what is the purpose. Isn’t there some easier way? As I sit at my desk with piles of nursing books, I notice one thing. A picture. This picture is of a little boy. In fact, that little boy is my brother. The picture is taking BC: Before cancer.  The little things, such as the picture, bring back some memories that I never wish to relive and some that I wish I could hold on to longer. It was the spring of my first grade year when my brother got diagnosed with cancer, and I was probably too young to understand what was going on, but nonetheless I was terrified.  He had 6 or so grueling months in and out of the hospital. My parents took turns being home with me, and often times I would get sent to one babysitter to the next. However, all I wanted to do was be with my baby brother. He was and still is my best friend in the world. We are the best of friends and the worst enemies. But to think he could have died, I would be lost. I wouldn’t have known what to do. However, I do not want to dwell on the what-ifs of life, rather the what-now. The reason why I chose the nursing profession was due to the fact my younger brother had been diagnosed with AML Leukemia. I had watched the nurses take care of my brother each and everyday. They never let him give up, and they always gave my family and me hope for his recovery. Although I did not fully understand the medical issues that were taking place with my brother, I knew that he was sick, and I was very scared that I was going to lose him. The nurses were so helpful during this time, and they encouraged my brother to be the strong, brave survivor that he is today. I made up my mind that is who I wanted to be, and ever since that day, I have done everything possible to achieve it.  As school has started, I realized it hasn’t been and/or will be as easy or fun as I expected it to be. One thing is forced after another, one giant whirlpool of excessive information. At one point in the beginning, all I wanted to do was curl up in ball and cry for hours. I felt like I was failing the test. I lost the balance. No social life, too much social life, too much work, not enough work, you get the picture. But someone wise came behind me and said that everything is going to be fine, and I just have to focus on what is my purpose. A little boy, a family, a friend…Hope for the future. I can do it. Philippians 4:13. Not through or for me. Not through or for others. BUT Through God and For God. How awesome is that? He is my strength, and I thank Him everyday for blessing me for this opportunity to take this “test” and to have something so trivial like a picture to remind me the purpose behind my aspirations. 

My Plans, the Future, and Patience

I have always been a planner, always.  There is no doubt about that statement. It is a 100% accurate in every single way. Ever since I can remember, I was planning something. I, the sweet little blonde-blue-eyed girl, would carry a notebook around the house writing down my next plan of action that I created in my head from nowhere. Looking back, I can remember my mom and dad saying, “Lauren, What are you up to?” They could see it in my eyes. My sneaky friends and I would always plan sleepovers and outings before our parents caught on and could stop us.  It was fun and exciting, and I was notorious for doing the “scheming”. If someone could tell that the situation was planned out, then you could most likely count on me behind the plan of action. I was and in fact, I am still very good at that. I guess you could say planning runs in my blood. My organization and planning skills have been my best friend and worst enemy. Birthday Parties, Sleepovers, Proms, Outings, Vacations, Outfits, Daily Routines, Future Weddings (yes, Pintrest has also added to this addiction, but no, I am not a freak. I will discuss this later), the list can go on and on, I have planned to a T.  For example, my birthday is January 31, but December 1 I start talking about my birthday. I know, I know, Go ahead and call me crazy. I map out every detail of the situation at hand until I am satisfied.  In the end, I usually don’t have anything to complain about. As I am a bit older and wiser (hopefully) from the sleepover and birthday party stage, I have gone on to a different stage of planning, my life.  Let me tell you, this scares me to death. How am I suppose to know what is the next step in my life to take?  What is it going to look like? How do I get the details straight? Teachers always ask where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Frankly, I don’t know, and I will never know. Hopefully, I will be out of nursing school in five years and getting ready to start my own family.  I dream of having the ideal “American Dream” someday, but to be completely honest, it is impossible to know the details of my future or even of tomorrow. I have so many goals and dreams that I wish to accomplish. Dreams and goals are wonderful, however, plans will and do change. Only God knows what is ahead in my life. Jer. 29:11. I am not perfect (despite my pride would tell you) and I have no authority of what is in the future. So then why is this important?  This is important because the more I discover God’s word the more I realize that He has my back. He is not out to get me, and His plans are the best for me no matter what I think at the current time and situation. Yet, I am still anxious. A very wise teacher once told me that anxiousness is the worry about what is unknown. Fear, on the other hand, is the worry about something that is known.  Wow, that is so true. We say that we are scared and we fear what is going to happen next, but actually we are anxious about what we don’t know. Surprises have never been a thing I enjoy.  I am the type of person that would rather know than not know. Sadly, I struggle with patience in the plan that God has for me. I try to create my own plan.  I am so blessed to have a God that loves and cares for me each and everyday!! I think about who I could be, where I could go, or what I could do without Him… what I come up with is nothing. He is the creator of all things.  So what I need to do is to slow down, listen to what God has to say, and wait for His plan, not mine.  My plans and dreams are great, but God’s are even better! I leave you with two verses that have been on my heart recently. I hope they speak as much truth and hope to you as they did to me.  Until next time, Adios y Dios les bendiga

 Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Colossians 1:11-14

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, ¹² and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^[a] to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, ¹⁴ in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins

In the pull your hair out- scream at the top of your lungs moments

Writing is one of the many ways that people can express their feelings, ideas, and just anything random that comes to mind. If any of you know me, I love to write. Sometimes I write for fun and/or for school(but we won't go there quite yet), but majority of the time it is to clear my mind...Today, it is definitely to clear my mind, and there is a lot going on... Have you ever felt like you are on a never ending Marry-Go-Round and it is going faster and faster? And you feel like you are never going to stop? Well, let me tell you, that is how my life is at this current moment, a never ending Marry-Go-Round. I am stressed to the max, but I am taking some time to reflect on these last couple months and take some time to share some of the amazing things God is doing in my life. I am almost halfway through my second semester in college. Woah...did I really say that? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was picking out my first dress for my very first high school dance and deciding whether or not I should talk to that boy sitting next to me? The idiomatic saying Time Flies is completely 100% applicable and accurate in my life. You never really grasp time until after it is gone. College life is both wonderful and pain-stakingly hard. I love it and hate it at the same time. I live in a great-Christian community, and my relationship with God, my family, and my friends have grown tremendously. I have learned so much that it would be hard to truly explain the details of everything. As many of you know, I love to tell stories so much to the extent that I will tell them over and over again even if it is completely stupid and/or random. But I need to tell everyone about this story that has been on my heart recently. Everyday I look at this picture of this little boy (I will use the fake name Lucas for his protection) from Guatemala. I met him last year when I worked in an orphanage. Let me tell you, he was the cutest/most energetic three year old that I have ever met. Lucas would smile and laugh like it was the best day in his life. Over the short time that I was there, I had the best time with this kid. He had this joy in him that I have never seen before, and he is 15 years younger than me, speaks a different language than me, and lives in an orphanage. Completely different lives, but I just loved seeing his pure joy. I thought his situations were rough and unfair, which they are, but he has this incredible joy in him.  Here at IWU, I get to learn about Jesus 5+ times a week. What could be better than that? We have been talking about having peace with God, loving God, and how our relationship with God greatly affects relationships with others. It has really made me examine my relationship with God. How can I have patience with others, when I don't have patience to wait for what God has in store for me? How can I have peace with others, if I am not at peace with God? How can I love others, if I don't truly love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength? How can I live my day-to-day life, if I don't appreciate that God gave up His Son's so we could have ours? We have a BIG God who is mighty to save. Hallelujah! He reigns forever! I am doing great, and God is so good. Craving Him makes this whole college thing less stressful. I have had less anxiety and stress that I have ever had during school. As you guys probably know, I am a Nursing/Spanish major, and God has been tugging on my heart for mission work. I don’t really know what that entails just quite yet, but I am ready to go where He leads me.  The first time I really felt God tugging at my heart was during the service when my pastor spoke about widows and orphans. I really thought God was calling me to go work and love on orphans, so that is what I did. That wonderful opportunity of going to Guatemala last spring has changed my view on everything. I thought when I would come back that I would feel accomplished because I successfully listened to what God wanted me to do. Yet, I feel like He is still tugging at me to continue loving on the orphans, the poor, and the widows.  He isn’t finished with me yet. The topic on orphans is coming up everywhere I go: in discussions, in class, and even in this Summit and chapel. I keep asking God what can I do because I am a broke, single college student.  This week I realized if it is His will, then I will have everything that I need. So in those moments where I want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs, I realize that God is with me because He is always with me. I sometimes forget. I look at that picture during these and ask me where is that smile and energy of that sweet little three year old. If he can be that happy, I can too. So that is it for this time… Stay tuned for next time. You are loved!